White Collar: Stage Fright
by Phoenix-cry
Summary: Peter has a new undercover assignment for Neal and he is less than enthusiastic about it. Just a humorous one shot.


Stage Fright

"Alright, we have a hot tip on a serious money laundering operation that has chosen an unusual business for its front." Peter announced to Neal, Jones, and Diana in the conference room. "We don't have any hard evidence so we'll need to get a closer look before tipping our hand."

"What's the business?" Neal asked. "I might already know them."

"I doubt it, or at least I sincerely hope you don't." Peter replied. "It's a place called...I can't believe I'm saying this...'Bare Assets'."

"A strip club?" Diana asked with a disapproving tone.

"Fun." Neal added.

"Neal..." Peter chastised.

"What?" Neal asked innocently. "It's a great name, very clever. I'm sure it's a classy joint."

"Boss," Diana said "I'll do it, but Neal can't watch."

"Don't worry, Diana, I'm not sending you in."

"I'll go." Neal volunteered.

"I'm glad to hear your enthusiasm." Peter said as he flashed Neal a smile that instantly opened a hole in the pit of Neal's stomach.

"What?" Neal asked, suddenly nervous. "Wait...it's not a..."

"It is." Peter confirmed.

"Oh...no, no. Absolutely not." Neal shook his head for emphasis. "Not happening."

"Oh it's happening."

"I am not going undercover as a stripper. Forget about it, just put that idea right out of your mind."

"Believe me I'm no happier about than you are."

"You can not *possibly* be less happy than I am at this moment." Neal said sourly. "The bachelor auction was humiliating enough, this is a step too far."

"Neal we need an in on this place and you're it."

"No means no, Peter." Neal said firmly. "You can't make me do this."

"Actually I can."

"Why me?" Neal complained.

"You know why you."

"Send Jones."

"Women do love chocolate." Jones chuckled.

"See?" Neal looked hopeful. "Jones is game."

"Oh no," Jones shook his head "I like my spot in the van, love the van. It's safe there, no one has ever attempted to put a dollar in my boxers in the van."

"I will give you a thousand dollars to do this for me." Neal said seriously.

"Come on, Neal, it will be fun." Peter mocked. "We'll get you a glittery thong."

"I don't need a thong."

"What? You wearing one already?"

"This conversation isn't happening." Neal reached up and pinched the bridge of his nose. "This is nightmare caused by bad sushi or something."

"Cheer up, Neal." Diana smiled. "This could end up the start of a new career for you."

"Et tu, Diana?" Neal asked sounding hurt.

"Hey, I'd do it if the club hired women." Diana shrugged. "If you've got it flaunt it."

"I flaunt just fine fully dressed, thank you very much."

"Truer words have never been said." Peter agreed. "Now off you go."

"Go? Go where?"

"Research. If you're going to land a job at this place you're going to have to at least have some idea of how the business works, I'm sure the internet can help you with the lingo and whatnot."

"There's stripper lingo?" Neal asked skeptically.

"I have no idea. Go find out."

"I hate you so much right now." Neal said bitterly.

"You're going to need a good 'stage name' as well, so think one up or I'll have Jones and Diana pick one for you."

"I'm putting in a vote for 'White Chocolate'." Jones mocked.

"I second it." Diana added.

"I like that." Peter nodded.

Neal glared spitefully at all three of the coconspirator before getting to his feet and making a show of buttoning his blazer closed.

"I will not be held responsible for the browser history on my computer or any virus that end up on it." Neal warned.

"I've already had 'safe search' disabled on it."

"Thanks." Neal said dryly.

Looking like he was being sent off to the gallows Neal stalked out of the conference room and headed down to his desk in the bull pen. Peter watched him as he just stared at the computer on his desk without touching it. When Peter turned back to Jones and Diana they were both looking at him expectantly.

"What?" Peter asked. "He makes my life difficult every chance he gets. It my turn."

"'Bare Assets'?" Diana questioned with a smirk.

"Like that?" Peter chuckled. "It was that or I was going to go with 'Fiscal Irresponsibility'."

"Remind me to never get on your bad side."

"Does Caffrey have any idea what day it is?" Jones asked.

"Apparently not."

Peter shared a quick laugh with Jones and Diana before he retreated to his office to get some paper work done. To his credit Neal kept to his desk until lunch time. Peter doubted that he was doing any real research other than looking for ways out of the assignment. Just before noon Neal headed up the stairs and sat down in the chair in front of Peter's desk. Neal had learned that he was more likely to get Peter to agree to end an argument if he was hungry and looking to go to lunch. Neal looked about as happy as a wet cat.

"Learn anything useful, White Chocolate?"

"Peter, this is cruel and unusual punishment, I honestly think I can make a case against you for prisoner abuse. You can't seriously ask me to do this. Please."

"Have you looked at a calendar today, Neal?" Peter asked, unable to hide the amusement in his eyes.

"Why woul..." Neal stopped and pulled his phone to confirm the date. "April 1st...oh, you're good."

"I know."

"Damn it, Peter..."

"Easy, Neal, don't get angry...keep your shirt on."


End file.
